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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 29, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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rose expert anymore. >> i know. >> panties. >> i love panties. >> oh, flowers. >> panties. >> yes, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen")
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(shouting) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the report"! good to have you with us in here, out there, all around the world! (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, everybody! you won't get that kind of adulation anywhere else in america! folks, i have to be straight with you here, while i may be at odds with the current administration, as a patriot, i feel it's my duty in a time of war to support our president. and that's enough. (laughter) 'cuz i have a lot of problems with what this guy does. and even when i do like what he does, i don't. (laughter) case in don't: his interview last night on this hour has "60 minutes" in which he finally
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addressed why, when it came to addressing syria, he was johnny bomb lately. >> how did they end up where they are in control of so much terrorist? -- of so much territory? was that a complete surprise to you? >> well, i think our head of the intelligence community, jim clapper, has acknowledged that i think they underestimated what had been taking place in syria. >> stephen: s'cuse me! bombing the middle east and then throwing the c.i.a. under the bus is kinda george bush's thing. (laughter) >> it is true that much of the intelligence turned out to be wrong. >> stephen: yes, "much" of the intelligence turned out to be wrong. but not all of it. there was a country called iraq. (laughter) it will be missed. (laughter) and it's not the first time bush has been ripped off by president barack o-rob-a. (laughter) take the president's speech last week at the annual u.n. traffic festival. (laughter) he stood up in front of that old
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kitchen backsplash or whatever it is -- time to remodel, guys -- and try to talk tough on i.s.i.s. >> the only language understood by the killers like this is the language of force. so the united states of america will work with a broad coalition to dismantle this network of death. no god condones this terror. no grievance justifies these actions. there can be no reasoning, no negotiation with this brand of evil. >> stephen: sir, we already have a brand of evil. it's tom's of maine. (laughter) maybe tom should leave maine once in a while to find out what toothpaste is supposed to taste like! (laughter) and i'm not the only one calling him out on this. >> president obama sure sounded a lot like president bush yesterday. >> he's sounding a lot like him these days. >> did you hear the speech at the u.n.? was that voice more like president bush than president obama?
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>> this is a speech where if you closed your eyes, you could have heard george w. bush giving this speech. >> stephen: yes, every time i close my eyes, i can hear george bush speaking. (laughter) hold on... he's talking again. why, yes, mr. president, i would love to hop on the segue with you and go get a hot dog. look out for that tree! ooh! look, sir, i got to go back to the show and do the thing. my eyes are closed. i can't read the scrolly words they have up here. see you later. bye. what are you gonna steal from bush next, mr. president? 'cuz you're not fooling anyone! even politico pointed out that if you type obama's money phrase -- "network of death "-- into the, george w. bush's "axis of evil" could very welcome out. yes, it could very well come out. no, i tried it and it doesn't come out, but if i didn't, it
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might have. clearly, president kumbaya is just trying to look tough in the middle east by mad-libbing the greatest hits of the bush administration. i dread the day when "mission accomplished" becomes "job did." (laughter) (applause) but folks, whether or not obama is up for didding the job, we know that after 2016, barack obama will be leaving office. weak move, mr. president. never announce a timetable for withdrawal! (laughter) of course, the power vacuum he leaves behind may be filled by hillary clinton, an unstoppable force on an inevitable path towards maybe announcing a candidacy. (laughter) and big announcement this weekend makes her even more maybe. >> it's a girl. a girl for chelsea clinton and her husband marc mezvinsky.
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charlotte clinton mezvinsky. >> it's the first child for clinton and her husband marc and the first grandchild for the former president and secretary of state. >> stephen: yet another hillary flip-flop. four days ago, she wasn't a grandmother, now she claims she is. how can we trust her? (applause) now, i'd like to take a moment to congratulate the happy family. charlotte is a beautiful baby -- hope you keep her as far away from partisan politics as possible. but i just gotta say, "charlotte"? kind of suspicious she was named after the largest city in a major swing state. (applause) >> stephen: if it had been a boy, would we be celebrating the birth of little baby akron?
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and i've got to talk about the el fact in the room -- by which i mean all the elephants in the room. >> the baby reportedly has an elephant-themed nursery. >> the nursery will be decorated with elephants, of course, the mascot of the republican party. >> stephen: yes, a nursery decorated with adorable republican elephants. they borrowed the design from paul ryan's bedroom. (applause) and you know it's a cynical ploy to appeal to republican-leaning swing voters because it was premeditated. right before her baby was born, chelsea clinton conveniently helped launch a line of elephant-themed gifts to benefit groups working to stop the poaching of african elephants. a likely story. no one poaches african elephants. they're so much better fried. (laughter) >> stephen: oh, they are. hear the audience going, ooh! ooh! well, as cute as baby charlotte is, hillary's road to the white house is about to be derailed by the grandmother of all scandals.
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because -- yes, "that" -- has uncovered a single letter hillary sent in 1971 to none other than saul alinsky. yes. saul alinsky. (audience reacts) a name instantly familiar to anyone currently watching this in the middle of a sociology lecture about saul alinsky. alinsky was not only a dangerous far-left social activist known for his book "rules for radicals," he was also the man who framed roger rabbit. (laughter) this letter is devastating for clinton. after all, alinsky was a community organizer from chicago -- a death sentence for anyone who wants to be president. plus, i'm pretty sure bill clinton had an affair with alinsky's daughter, monocle. (laughter) (applause) and hillary's deep radicalization and close ties to alinsky are made achingly clear by the way she asks when his book was coming out, and that
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she missed their bienial conversations. typical liberal deviance. even their time frames are bi. but the most shocking thing about hillary's pen pal scandal -- or "pen-ghazi"-- is how few people are shocked by it. take it from constantly shocked jock rush limbaugh. >> a lot of drive-by media people who are supposed to be fascinated by the events they cover... are not in the slightest curious about a bunch of old letters that hillary clinton wrote, way back when, have surfaced... it turns out she was sending letters to alinsky left and right. >> stephen: yes, hillary was writing alinsky left and right. in that her single note contains a bunch of letters that are read from left to right. (laughter) this is just proof that even though she's been scrutinized for decades as secretary of state, a presidential candidate, senator and first lady -- but there's so much we still don't know about her.
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for instance, i went even further back into her mysterious past and obtained a letter hillary wrote in 1953. it proves she was in communication with a foreign leader. it starts "dear santa." i believe that's a spanish name! (laughter) she goes on to collude with this redcoat known for supporting slave labor and the exclusion of jews. (laughter) then hillary proves her socialist bonafides by demanding an itemized list of free handouts. and no surprise she ends the letter by attacking america's energy producers: "p.s. please don't put coal in my stocking." (laughter) >> we'll be right back!
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>> stephen: welcome back. thanks so much! (cheers and applause) nation, i'm no fan of korean dictator and evil potato kim jong un. i've told you before about this man's sick affection for things like industrial lubricant and mushrooms.
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for those without high def tvs, kim's the one in the middle. (laughter) but now, the "un"-thinkable has "kim "-- happened. >> north korea's leader hasn't been seen in public for three weeks. state tv reports kim jong un is suffering from discomfort. >> some are speculating the 31-year-old is suffering from some sort of health problem according to his weight gain as well as a recent limp. >> the brilliant comrade, as he is known, has gout, which is caused by too much booze and rich food. >> stephen: which has the people of north korea in a state of utter confusion because their language has no word for "too much food." (laughter) and kim-watchers like me know what food he's too-muching of. >> north korean leader is putting his health at serious risk due to dangerously high consumption of cheese. >> the 31-year-old has packed on a lot of weight in a short period of time due to the large amount of imported swiss cheese he keeps eating. >> the dictator is obsessed with cheese. there's word he fell in love
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with swiss cheese when he studied in switzerland. >> stephen: yes, switzer-land. (laughter) kim's massive cheese consumption is all the more amazing when you consider that north korea has yet to achieve cracker technology. (laughter) kim's favorite cheese is "emmental, a cheese made in switzerland." you can tell it's swiss because it tastes neutral, and the holes can be used for storing nazi gold. (laughter) and now it looks like kim is -- really? you're nazi gold fans? (laughter) really? don't tease him about the nazi gold! where were the nazis supposed to put it? he was really hard on the nazis, stephen. it's been a long time. and now -- and now -- (cheers and applause) they lost the war. it's not bad enough?
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(laughter) and now -- and now -- and now it looks like kim is about to be dairy unhappy. (laughter) jim? >> north korean dictator kim jong un will not be getting top-quality cheese anytime soon. the head of one of france's finest cheese-making schools says north korea approached her last month asking if some of lil' kim's people could train at the facility. she says she politely turned them down. >> stephen: gee, kim. i know we are sworn enemies, but still, i can't help but feel bad that someone has cut your cheese. (laughter) especially since, here in america, cheese is everywhere! we have blocks of cheese, strings of cheese, doodles of cheese, creams of cheese, cans of cheese, fountains of cheese, cakes of cheese, and "it's" of cheese. on sundays, americans watch sports while eating cheese balls and wearing cheese hats, and the next day at work we discuss the game while gathering around the cheese cooler. (laughter)
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hey, what's this? oh, it's the rest of my lunch, a 20-pound wedge of emmental cheese. (cheers and applause) mm-mmm! mm-mmm! oh, yeah! guess i'll have to finish it. mmm! (cheering) (applause) tastes like freedom. (laughter) mmm. getting a big ol' knot of liberty in my chest. so kim jong un, america's mortal enemy, if you ever want some emmental, just come to new york. i'll have a delicious block waiting for you. (laughter) we'll be right back. whoa!
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ok google, how big is the grand canyon? the grand canyon national park has an area of 1,902 square miles. that's really big. so i get invited to quite a few family gatherings. heck, i saved judith here a fortune with discounts like safe driver, multi-car, paperless. you make a mighty fine missus, m'lady. i'm not saying mark's thrifty. let's just say, i saved him $519, and it certainly didn't go toward that ring.
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>> stephen: welcome back! my guest tonight is a world-renowned chef and tv host. i'll ask where you get that oven that always has the meal ready in it. please welcome jamie oliver! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, jamie! thanks for coming on!
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nice to meet you! all right. we've got a little food to eat later which i'm very excited about. >> yeah, we do. >> stephen: but let's get to the heat of the meat if you will. you are a world-renowned chef and your book is called "comfort food: the ultimate weekend cookbook." >> yes, sir. >> stephen: aren't you mr. eat healthy, let me go to your school and ruin nuggets for you? comfort food, this has calories. >> i've always celebrated the joy of cooking real food. definitely in this day and age, you have to watch what you eat for sure. there is a lot of stuff that's healthy but the indulgent stuff, you can't make a healthy pie. it's impossible impossible. you can't make a healthy dessert. it's impossible. but for the love of god, you've got to eat that stuff!
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: so what you're saying is, if you're going to do it, don't half-ass it, go all the way? >> yes, for sure! i mean, not every day. but definitely, this is the stuff memories are made of! >> stephen: are these your childhood recipes? these are incredibly comforting dishes. they're almost coma food. were these dishes your childhood dishes? >> some of them were. some are the food from my childhood, the stuff any nan did, my grand-dad did, my mom, the weekends, the barbecue and stuff like that. but in these days, i think it's nice to reach out to social media and we did this thing on instagram where we asked the community where's your comfort food? and it went crazy. the importance of study and test and cook comfort food from all around the world. >> stephen: why is it
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comforting other than the fact that it puts you down like an old dog? before we had xanax, we had mashed poat at amashed potatoes. >> it releases endorphins and all kinds of things. there's' something about a pie or meatballs or something that makes you feel like you're getting a hug. >> stephen: and your body hugs you all the time. >> yes. >> stephen: it's like another person on you. (laughter) >> you can't rush this food, it's stuff you have to put love into. >> stephen: i have a problem with that. >> why? >> stephen: this is america, i want to eat fast and go back to my internet. (laughter) you have a favorite comfort food you could serve me? >> i've got one from my childhood. >> stephen: i have one, too. can i give it to you? >> stephen: yes, can i give it to you, too? >> yes. >> stephen: what do you have? a pudding.
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>> stephen: i have a blueberry cobbler. >> whoo! >> stephen: if i do that with mine, it's going to be a mess. >> okay. >> stephen: okay, here we go. no, this is basically kind of an edition of my nah an's pudding. >> stephen: that's a form of decoupage? >> yes, if you brush it on, it stains inside. no, it goes wafer thin crisp once you've done it but it gets better. what you can do, once you brush this beautiful thing -- this is a beautiful thing. what i do is i get beautiful dates, that's the secret iningredient, and i rehydrate them in earl grey tea. that's a twist of flavor. >> stephen: when you start
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cooking you're like a marvel superhero (laughter) you talk in a completely different way! >> once you've done that, i like to simply fill the o orifice with -- (audience reacts) >> and then, like the james bond champagne, if you can just cut yourself a w wedge, a regular portion, and just let it all ooze out. >> stephen: ahhh! oh, jesus! oh, my god! >> and that's a big portion, dude. >> stephen: that's a regular portion? okay. this is blueberry cobbler. >> it gets the taste buds going.
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believe me. oh, no, this is good! this is impressive! >> stephen: thank you very much. i'll give you my regular portion of blueberry cobbler. (laughter) i'll take a little ice cream right there, okay, put that on the side, and just a little -- (laughter) all right, cheers, cheers. whatever you do, get some sweet part there. ready? >> yeah. >> stephen: all right. mmm! >> mmm! >> stephen: i have found this interview... so comforting... (cheers and applause) jamie oliver, thank you so much! jamie oliver, "comfort food"! jamie oliver, "comfort food"! we'll be right back! [ male announcer ] automotive innovation starts...
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! this is so damn good! good night! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> this happened on kickstarter today. currently one of six of the hottest kick startees. show me the money. john. bring it,. >> now that's what i call a money shot. >> thank you. hooray, yes. (cheers and applause) >> wonderful, thank you


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